Digital security in Ancient Troy
You Might Also Like
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god