[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
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hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
You can’t outrun your problems…
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government