Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
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“our sushi is very fresh”
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup