A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
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Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
All set.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one