Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
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Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
Actually cracking up @ this
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
My blood type is b hungry.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?