It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
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Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever