The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
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A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
even bears disappoint their mothers
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger