First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
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me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
What
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Beauty and the Beast
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
i baked you a cake
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps