1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
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Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
🤣😂
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Many hands make light work
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently