If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
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My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.