I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
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When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.