How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
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The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Me: I鈥檓 just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I鈥檝e been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it鈥檚 cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle鈥檚 broken wing.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Almost quitting time鈥heers!馃
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I鈥檓 part of that cult
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]