7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
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I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.