While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
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Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Choose your fighter
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack