Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
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Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden