TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
You Might Also Like
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Very good! 👍😂
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
August 8
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Still a very good boi….
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?