My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
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For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
smartest karate player in the world
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Finished stitching this today 😇
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
💁🏻♂️