Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
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[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Good advice.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
From Facebook just now…
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
nice challenge
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!