ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
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Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.