poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
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Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets