JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
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Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
That 👊
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.