Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
You Might Also Like
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof