I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
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Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Breaking news:
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
smh