When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
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I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.