If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
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Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Social Media and Real life
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED