Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
You Might Also Like
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show