How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
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For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Wait a minute
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Now this is how you LinkedIn
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.