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Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.