Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
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DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay