When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
You Might Also Like
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire