[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
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If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
🤣dope
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”