I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
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Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Good morning!
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.