Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
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wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Monica just destroyed the internet
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.