I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
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Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Ah..makes sense now
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Guys, I found it.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.