#oldknees
You Might Also Like
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.