Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
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Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.