robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
You Might Also Like
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
went fishing caught a bass
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.