If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
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I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Monday?
No. Next question.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old