me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
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*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife