what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
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my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
bad news gang
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*