Trying
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I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.