Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
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If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”