Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
You Might Also Like
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
The glockness monster
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all