I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
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[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
me irl
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.