The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
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Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here