In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
You Might Also Like
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕