Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
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sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
A customer told me they were never coming back….
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
ok hear me out: Luigiana
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Good boy 😂😂
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.