Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
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computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
you will never know the true number of layers
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.