Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
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“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
“i am a sweet baby”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left