You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
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If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Me trying to “trust the process”
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.